When I Feel Lost, I am Found

The “Lost” musical at church on Sunday rocked my boat. I grew up in the church and thought I understood the concept of lost and found, sinner and saved. Jimmy Farley opened my mind to the knowledge that to be lost is to be far from the heart of God. Cue: current life journey. Lately, I've been questioning all I know of God. Well, maybe not what I know, necessarily, but definitely questioning what I don't know of God. I've been trying to further understand aspects of Him that are nearly impossible for me to grasp. His wrath (confusing), His discipline (scary), His policy on hell (terrifying). In the midst of my struggle to understand this, I've lost sight of who God is. I've forgotten to cling tightly to what I know to be true of Him. Loving, Grace-filled, Merciful, Gentle, Forgiving. I've wandered from his heart and strayed from his hand. Yesterday morning it was made evident to me just how great the distance has become between His heart and mine.

In reviewing the “Lost” parables, we unpacked the three different ways in which the lost were found. The sheep, calling for his master. The coin, hidden in the silent darkness. And the wayward son, humbly returning to his father. As I recognize the distance from my Father, I have a choice to make. How do I want my lost and found story to end?

Do I want to be like the coin? Do I feel too lost to even cry out for His help? Can I ever make it back to His heart? Should I just stay in hiding as long as I can until He swipes me from my place of darkness and brings me into his arms? Do I want to be like the sheep? Can I find my way back to Him? Have I wandered too far away? What if I become more lost on my way back? Should I just lay down, cry out for His help, for His search, for His protection and wait for Him to come to me, scoop me up, and cradle me all the way home? Will I be like the prodigal son, grip humility and walk back to Him begging for His embrace? What am I capable of? What is required of me? How long do I want to be away from His heart? I'm quite sure the distance from His heart is creating the greatest feeling of loneliness I've ever experienced and that it is all I can do to not run wildly into His arms and be swept off of my feet by His celebratory embrace.

I remember as a young child at a family reunion being squeezed tightly and swung around in circles by an uncle who had missed me beyond words and that was the only way he could express his joy for seeing me. Words weren't necessary. I was 6 and nothing could have felt better than flying through the air because of a joy so deep, caused solely by my presence. I know the same is true today. Nothing will feel better than returning to my Father's arms, allowing the moment to pass without words, relishing in the delight on His face to see me return to His heart. “Come home, I'm not mad at you. All I have is yours.” I answer, “Here's my heart, Lord. May it stay with yours."